DJ'ing, Music, Humour, Life

Barney Holmes – my personal blog. Ideas, issues, discoveries. You'll find some posts related to the organisation MindFreedom here as well.

Archive for comedy

The iPod Matrix Revealed

Armed with iPods, I sidled along last week to Apple Inc headquarters in Cupertino, California, for a meeting with the (infamous?) Steve Jobs.

After shaking hands and exchanging the latest geek codes (what?) … we settled down to an interesting discussion.

I showed him some of the more famous gadgets inspired by his iPod empire…

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Steve: “Well, you know. We pride ourselves on inspiring the latest cutting edge innovation. We spent a long time developing the iPod empire and enjoy handing down the benefits to other companies.”

Does Steve think that that hype has overtaken the product ?

Steve: “To a certain extent, you may have a point. Sometimes I have to calm my people down in marketing. The get delusions of grandeur you know. They say to me ….’We dream about iPods’ …. ‘We brainstorm about them all day!’.

So where can the iPod be taken now. An iPod in every home ?

Steve: “We think we can go one better. We’ve covered every type of furniture and peripheral know to man. Beds, chairs, the lot. We thought ‘This is getting ridiculous’….”We have to do something!’”

I quite agree. Reduce the hype ? Move onto another product ?

Steve: “No! Listen. We can cut out all that hype. We thought … ‘iPods are being installed everywhere’ … ‘except one place’….”

Er… The Space Shuttle ?

Steve: “No! Us, of course, you dummy. Don’t you see ? The human body contains the Ear, the Chochlea … the very target of our business. We thought why not make a package for pregnant mothers. Surgically install a port at the back of the head, at birth. Either plugin the iPod, or we’ve considered a wireless network.”

Er. Steve. Have you ever seen The Matrix ?

Steve: “Yes! You’ve got it! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. People already walk around in a fog of music. In the street. On the Train. No one listens to one another any more, or even have conversations. They’re too busy listening.”

Steve wanted to talk more to me, but had to move on to other pressing matters.

So there it is. Are we moving into a world of perma music ? No need any more to use that pesky imagination (yawn). Just aim the right activating thought at the iPod implant and away we go … simple !

Barney

New US Air Force Aircraft Carrier Unveiled

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“It’s important for Commanders to stay relaxed while commanding the troops”, Admiral Beebody said.

This is a breakthrough in military strategy”..Beebody expanded …

We found that with all those afterburners lighting up right next to Commanders trying to think about important military strategy …. well, we had a few frayed nerves”

“We tried installing a swimming pool on the deck, but keyed up Marines were falling into the pool on the way to their helicopters”….

“Now we can just step back as a helicopter lands, and then continue when it’s in the air”

“If a jet wants to land or take off, we tell them to take it easy on the turf…that’s an expense that could be difficult to explain in the United States military budget”.

Apparently the Officers are ahead in the latest Golf League, a spokesman said. Meanwhile US Marines have taken to carrying a ten iron on missions for close combat uses.

In other news it was reported that Camel racing was being bought back in Afghanistan to give out of work Taliban fighters something to do.

DJ Barney